The Girl without Light

Update

kurayami — Sat, 30 Jun 2007 00:14:02 +0000

I’m working on a new main site. I’ll link this to it and vice versa in a few.

Life Goes On

kurayami — Wed, 21 Mar 2007 22:09:33 +0000

I never once realized how much fun it was to be a kid until now. I at least had some childhood before I lost it prematurely (it probably isn’t what you’re thinking, and I’m not posting it here…) In spite of the fact that I look almost exactly the same as I did the day I was born, I have undergone a lot of changes… some of them I don’t even notice until someone brings it to my attention. To me, I am me, regardless of what changes or what doesn’t. Why would I notice anything?

On another note, I make these things (blogs, journals…) to get out how I feel yet I find that I rarely write. I have this one, which I doubt anyone bothers to read either because it is uninteresting or because I do not update, and my livejournal, which is not meant for people to read.

Life as it is right now is relatively mundane. I have a daily routine, I have a job in which I’m not getting assignments at the moment… which is a bummer, as I like to work. I like to keep busy. What I don’t like is studying, I don’t like going out to a school in which I waste two hours of my life doing nothing, learning nothing, not absorbing a thing. I’ll take my test, I’ll make sure I know my material. That’s it. Why can’t I also do work? I’ve been doing my best to absorb myself in my personal site’s work and I haven’t been able to save an AMV for a while now, which is driving me insane… aside from minor stresses, I’m fine. I can’t wait to get my laptop, which is taking forever in itself.

I’m just rambling now… anyway, I’ll stop here.

http://deliriumdomini.com

Forgotten? No. Neglected? Yes.

kurayami — Wed, 03 Jan 2007 05:12:43 +0000

I actually came to update this old blog yesterday, in fact, I had a whole post in mind that I wanted to write out, but obviously that never came about. I was distracted upon logging in by a link to a blog entry about Saddam Hussein’s hanging. Apparently, there were videos of his hanging attached to the entry. Because I had no idea that they had already put Saddam to death, I decided to read the entry — that is when I saw the videos embedded in it. I watched the news coverage videos then my morbid curiosity piqued me. There was a video that showed “the moment of death”. “Very graphic”, were the words that caught my morbid curiosity the most. I was thinking “What about a hanging can be “very graphic”?”… so, I ended up watching the video. Does this make me a sick person? Maybe, but honestly, after watching the video, I thought to myself “I’ve seen worse in movies.”

Sad, but true. Our generation on a whole can already be so desensitized to death that watching a real person being hung and actually dying from that, can have little to no affect. Granted I still think it’s in bad taste that the video was taken (and I think it’s in bad taste that I watched it — curious or not), but, still… I mean, I’ve seen quite a few sick topic’d video titles floating on the internet (I haven’t watched EVERY one), but I also recall watching one where a man was sitting in a holding room at a police station. Sitting in the chair, he didn’t even look up as the officer got up and made his leave. As soon as the officer was off-screen, he reached into his jacket, pulled out a handgun, stuck the barrel into his mouth, and pulled the trigger.

I cringed as I watched, but I kept watching anyway. All you see next is his body convulsing from the shot to his brain and then his going limp. Sick, yes. Graphic, mildly. Worse than anything you could see in a movie? No, not the graphic part, anyway, but the fact that this is a REAL person, REALLY shooting themself, is in fact much worse than watching someone do the same in a movie. But you know what? That doesn’t change the fact that I had been so desensitized by movies and the internet that this barely bothered me, in fact, the last thing that would come to mind in how it made me feel afterwards is “traumatized”. I simply closed the video and moved on, thinking how distasteful it was that this video was on the internet in the first place.

Then, I recall the controversy around whether or not Steve Irwin’s death, which had been caught on video, should be released to the public or not. My thoughts on that are split, for the record, as out of my own sick, twisted, morbid, curiosity, I would like to see the video. However, it is also in extremely bad taste, and the family hadn’t wanted the video released, and that’s how it should be if that’s what they want.

What is people’s sick fascination with watching another human being lose their life?

Happy Holidays? No.

kurayami — Wed, 20 Dec 2006 11:40:36 +0000

So, the holiday season is upon us. Christmas is but a few days away now, then the New Year will come. Another miserable, drawn out, year, on this miserable planet with its miserable people…

“Bah, humbug!” as Scrooge would say. I have to say, “My sentiments, exactly.” I’m tired of the holidays. I’m growing tired of Christmas, especially. Just another reason to spend my non-existant money on people that I sometimes could care less about.

Sorry, but, I just have bad experiences around this time of year — it almost never fails. This year is of no exception…

Guarded

kurayami — Tue, 05 Dec 2006 09:48:20 +0000

Hatsumi says:
That’s another of your problems. Well, I wouldn’t call it a problem, but to the degree it goes yeah. People are people. people are messed up, stinky creatures. We all make mistakes. Forgive-ness is necessary in society.
Himeko says:
People don’t deserve forgiveness.
Himeko says:
All they do is screw up and screw everything else up.

Hatsumi says:
I think the problem is…
Hatsumi says:
A good analogy would be…
Hatsumi says:
You have a good security system for your car. It keeps out everyone you don’t want in. But you’ve got friend who accidentally spilt some coffee in it. And that’s enough for the alarm to go off and put out a notice to the plice to put that persons ass in jail for a long time.
Hatsumi says:
You keep your heart protected. But so much so protected that its protecting you from things that you don’t need protection against.

Within the past month or two, two very important people have hurt me. I’m no longer friends with one, I’m questioning my relationship with the other. There has been one person within the last year that has affected my judgement towards outsiders; that person, I no longer care about, but I had for many years beforehand and their actions have scarred me.

I think… it would be safe for me to say that my heart is extremely scarred. I’m only 19-years-old, there are only three people in my life I would consider my close friends. Even still, they are people I don’t trust 100%. Supposedly, two of said people “love” me.

I’ve decided there isn’t such a thing. It’s an excuse for many stupid things, and it’s a good way for companies to make money. Either way, it’s an invention of man, isn’t it? If such a thing really does exist, maybe I’m just incapable of it.

People have hurt me. I cannot, for some god forbidden reason, “forgive and forget”. My heart will always remember the pain, and as it was stated above by my friend, I will put up a wall around it and protect me from everything, even things I don’t need protecting from.

It’s a wonder I haven’t put myself out of my misery, yet.

The End

kurayami — Thu, 19 Oct 2006 21:29:40 +0000

Is it wrong for me to think that maybe everything should just… end already?

Life is miserable. Natural disasters are on the increase over the past two years alone and they’re not just small increases. The hurricane season in 2005 was insane, December of 2004 had that Asian tsunami tragedy… Disease outbreaks coming out of China don’t help. Not to mention this retarded war America started.

I know the world won’t end for millions of years… when we either drift too far away from the sun, get pummelled by some meteorite or comet, collide into some other solar system, or… something. The world as most people know it, however, is ending. I think everybody is just too late in trying to correct the global warming issue. Oh, and it’s just time for certain things, such as the super volcano under Yellowstone… won’t that be fun? It’s already quite overdue.

Perhaps I’m just in too morbid a mood to think of anything else. Funerals tend to do that to some people, I guess.

Serenity

kurayami — Tue, 17 Oct 2006 21:47:51 +0000

I don’t know. I just love these pictures. Erstin especially. I love her.

Ramblings

kurayami — Tue, 17 Oct 2006 08:31:09 +0000

It seems that people like to ask that question a lot about a lot of things. “What if this?”, “What if that?”, what if, what if, what if, what if… I wonder why we always wonder about alternative results and actions? Do people really crave an “alternate” that much? Are we all really that curious? Maybe it’s natural.

I too find myself asking “What if?” a lot, but of course doing so will do nothing and all it is… is fun. It does nothing else. Nobody, including myself, benefits from it. Sometimes though, asking that question can torture your psyche too much. Sometimes it’s better not to wonder, not to think… “What if I did this instead?” or “What if things were this way?”

I feel like I’m missing something in my life, but I’m not sure where to begin thinking about what exactly I’m missing. I’m not even sure if it’s something or someone I’m missing. Am I missing a significant type of person in my life? Am I missing an emotion? A feeling? Am I craving something that I can’t get? How am I supposed to pursue a fulfillment to this feeling if I can’t even begin to know what it is? Ah, why am I even thinking this way?

It was raining earlier today. I like the rain. It makes me feel calm and content and just very at peace. Even if the rain is pouring down relentlessly and tearing into the earth it calms me. Today was a nice day. It’s a shame that it’s not raining anymore. If it would rain here more often… I think my mind would be able to be at such ease more often. I think that I think a lot more about things than I let on to people that I consider my closest friends.

I want to talk to a friend of mine. I just wish I had more time to do it…

Relativity

kurayami — Mon, 16 Oct 2006 23:15:00 +0000

Light (noun)
“An illuminating agent or source, as the sun, a lamp, or a beacon.”

Darkness (noun)
“Absence or deficiency of light.”

Light cannot be without dark as dark cannot be without light. If there is no light, what is darkness? If there is no darkness, what is light? Everything has to exist in a balance like that. Everything needs to be relative so we know that the other exists. Even life — because we would not know life if there were no death. Similarly, we would not know death if we had no life. The same applies to human emotions. We would not know what hate is if we did not know love, we would not know love without hate. We would not know loneliness and sadness if we didn’t have togetherness and happiness.

I need light.

I read an article just recently about how the amount of households being made up of married couples is declining. I’ve also read that homosexual couples have been on the increase. I wonder if people are happier not being married? I think as long as everybody has somebody, nothing else matters. I wonder why America, this supposed “country of the free”, is so opposed to allowing same-sex partners. Actually, I should be wondering why society as an entirety has the relations between man and man and woman and woman on their “taboo” list. Why is gay marriage outlawed?

I also have to wonder, however, why do gay people want to be legally married so badly when marriages only seem to ever fail? Who knows though, maybe the marriage between the same sex is more successful than the marriage between the opposite sexes. I’m done rambling now.